Smith, Amber. The Way I Used to Be. Margaret K. McElderry Books, 2017.
A student told me about this book and I decided to read it. I’m glad that I did. I have to admit though that at first, I was not impressed, but since I had promised to read it along with the student so we could discuss it, I persevered. I tell my students, “give it 25 pages” all the time, so I took my own advice and continued reading. Eventually, I was rewarded with a novel that was difficult to put down.
Who are the Main Characters?
The main character is Eden “Edy” McCrorey who starts the first person narrative as a freshman and ends as a senior. Her best friend is fellow misfit and band geek, Mara. They have two sidekicks who move in and out of the story, Cameron and Stephen. Edy’s parents, Connor and Vanessa and her older BMOC brother, Caelin. A few more minor characters weave in and out such as the love of Edy’s life, Joshua Miller, two stoners who hook Edy and Mara up with all the parties they can stand and of course, the two villains, Kevin and his sister, Amanda.
Where Does the Story Unfold?
Most of the story happens in the girls’ hometown although they do venture into “the next town over” and meet their stoner friends. Edy’s house, Josh’s house, Stephen’s house, Cameron’s house, and a few anonymous party locations are where the action takes place outside of the high school. It was written in 2017, the kids all have cell phones and computers, but it could be from the early 2000’s as well. Technology doesn’t play a big part outside of the characters communicating with one another occasionally. A landline is mentioned once.
What is the Problem That Gets Things Rolling?
Edy experiences a sexual assault but can’t figure out how or when to tell anyone or ask for help. The residual effects of the assault derails her life entirely. She takes her sorrow out on everyone who loves her. She eventually becomes estranged from her parents, her boyfriend, all her extra curricular activities, and even her best friend and their sidekicks. Her behavior becomes more and more irrational and her personality changes drastically
What is the Book Like?
The book is narrated by Edy in present tense with some past tense flashbacks thrown in as Edy remembers important events and shares them. It is divided into four parts: Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, and Senior and has a total of 50 chapters. It is 384 pages long and is earmarked for 14 and up. There is a lot of salty language as Edy starts out having never used the F-word to eventually sprinkling it into her regular vocabulary.
As a result of her hidden secret, Edy acts out by lying, smoking, drinking, trying weed, and hooking up with 16 different guys – some of them unknown to her. Because the assault happened in her own bed, throughout the book, she sleeps in a sleeping bag on the floor of her bedroom and never uses her bed again. The sex scenes are not graphic at all. Her first encounter is recorded like this: “He stops talking because I’m unbuttoning his pants. He stops thinking because now I’m unzipping them. He stops breathing because I pull his hands out of his pockets and put them on my waist again….I hear this buzzing in the background, like static. Static pulsing through brain waves, electric currents floating around in this strange place, making the air feel nervous, activated somehow” (109-111). The hook-ups are the only time that Edy can cover up the feelings that the assault cause her and are usually full of her internal monologue and never seem graphic or sexual in any way. She uses words like “stomach,” “back,” “chest,” “legs,” “arms,” and “waist” and never uses any more graphic than that.
What Was My Initial Issue?
I really struggled with the way that the parents and teachers were portrayed in the narrative. The mom especially seems so cold and clueless. For four years, she lets her one and only daughter spiral into a juvenile delinquent and seems utterly helpless to stop her. As a mom and a teacher, I hate that. But, this is the very thing I need to overcome if I ever hope to write a decent young adult novel. The book is clearly not intended for 61-year-old teacher-moms, like me. I kept struggling with that throughout the book.
The other thing that really bothered me is rooted in the same issue – me being the wrong audience. I was furious that Edy couldn’t/didn’t tell! I grew up in the 70’s with a mom who grew up in the 40’s and I know I would have told. At least, I tell myself that. Actually, I came to realize that I might not have either. There were a lot of things that I experienced as a young person that I didn’t share with anyone else, adults or friends. Eventually, I started to see myself in Edy and I got caught up in her anguish.
What Did I Love About It?
As I read the book, I was able to put myself in her shoes and I started to remember girls like Edy who I went to school with. Then, I started to think about girls that I see at the high school right now. I knew so many young people who just acted wild and crazy like Edy and I never could understand what their motivation was. I also remember friends who absolutely hated their parents; I get it now. Not too long ago, I ran into a girl who was in my freshman English class back in the 70’s. She and I had both moved from the town where we met and live in the same town now. Standing in the grocery store parking lot, she told me about how she had been divorced and remarried and struggled with addictions and an eating disorder and that it had started back when I knew her. I can’t get her out of my mind right now.
How Has It Changed Me?
Every good book changes us. This one has planted a seed of change in me that I hope to cultivate. One line near the end was when the detective is reassuring Edy and says, “That was a terrible thing – yes. But it’s not a free pass. Not an excuse” (363). The perpetrator had been sexually assaulted too, but the detective, while being sensitive to that abuse, does not excuse his reaction to it. It kind of reminds me of the Christian adage, “Hate the sin; love the sinner.” When I see a young person acting badly, I intend to try harder to help him or her, I will ask, “Did something actually happen” (340)? Maybe I can help a young Edy find the help she needs before she completely ruins her life.
Have you read a book lately that changed you? In what way?
What themes keep you coming back for more?